I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
Possibly having a threesome with my ex boyfriend and his current girlfriend was great closure on that subject
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
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