Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
Please come home, i don't want to feel like basket garbage girl but I'm in your alleyway and not sure how to change that.
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
Say whatever you bloody well like; you don't know the true meaning of life until you have smoked to a Sade cd.
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
I found a hair colour I want in a porn.
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
Randomize