Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
somehow a ride to walgreens turned into a threesome.
My dick has been in way too much crazy the past 2+weeks, but hey it feels good to fuck consistently again
Randomize
