he ate 15 dinner rolls and nothing else. then took a shit in the bathroom came out and blamed it on his dad. i wish i was 8.
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
On a scale of your daily life to smuggling crack into the DR, how illegal is it?
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
After a while I was so wet that I started crying. HE MADE ME SO HORNY I WEPT.
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
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