just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
The world would have a new energy source if someone would just take a blacklight to the backseat of that slut's car
I'm eating the rest of the Xmas shrooms and welcoming 2012 by communing with the pine cone.
Are we doing anything tonight after class for Valentine's Day or just being lazy and having sex?
If you expect me to say anything other than 'lazy and sex' you're crazzzzy!
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
Now with the essential back story, I can empathize. Sorry about your beer and butthole.
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Randomize
