I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
Do you have any pix of it limp? I wanna see the metamorphosis, like a cock caterpillar turning into a giant beautiful cock butterfly!
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
