Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
He wants to hookup..at the fair..this is our chance to leave him stranded with no clothes.
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
Sex and compliments. The way to my heart
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Randomize
