she said i was amazing, then i left to room to take the rubber off and came back to find her masturbating with my xbox controller while niko got a call from roman.
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
Randomize
