New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
47 days without vaginal penetration. Im pretty sure it's grown over.
Do you realize that if your cunt was a missing person it would be assumed dead?
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
My feelings for him are donzo molonzo but I can't turn down a pierced penis...
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
He's perfect in every other way. Is buying him a cockring too forward or just honest?
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
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