Christians are straight up FREAKS
dude i'm inner monologue high
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
You've got more to offer than just money. Come on. You have an awesome rack.
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
He spelled Steven with "ph", needless to say my nose was almost bleeding from the amount of axe he was wearing.
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
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