somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
Nothing like a marijuana chart of usage in each country to make me understand math.
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
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