I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
It's a sad day when you have to slightly move your fupa to shave.
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
I honestly think she should have her own reality show called "Lowering the Bar" and it consists of a camera crew following her from Bar to bar hooking up with unsuspecting drunk attractive men.
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
I think he might be using me for sex. I also think I might be ok with that.
I don't care if his family has ties to the mafia, you go over there, ride his dick until it breaks off, put his dick back on, and keep on riding. Lather, rinse, repeat.
Thanks for the support, sis.
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
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