Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
Haha ohman remember when I peed in your blender? Gotta love college.
YOU DID WHAT???
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
Randomize
