If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
CHAZ BONO WILL BE ON THE NEXT SEASON OF DANCING WITH THE STARS.
Internet Is back!
MY NEWS TRUMPS YOURS.
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
so I am that guy with the red solo cup in class. someone has to step it up.
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
