I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Randomize
