I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
yeah i fucked her in the storage room on the inflatable mattress. i don't know if i should feel proud for me or bad for her.
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
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