um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
we hotboxed my bathroom. with nine people and two dogs.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
Randomize
