I dont get chicks, its like they only care about themselves and money
sounds like you understand them just fine
i'm listening to "transmissions" by The Tea Party from like '97 and waxing my legs. fuck i'm awesome in my alone time
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
We are making a pool on how long he stays sober this time you want in?
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
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