You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
The streak lives on, still havent been to Towson without throwing up
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
Randomize
