Dear __, it'd be a lot easier to fuck if you ever responded. So I'm throwing in the white towel, since I no longer know what you want. Sincerely, ___
So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.
I'm rooting for #1.
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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