I called her the wrong name twice and she still called me back this morning. DO I still wait two days to call her back?
im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
reasons why jon gosselin is probably ur biological father: 1. ur half asian 2. hes everyones biological father 3. u wear ed hardy
sounds legit
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
Randomize
