mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
Take a good hard look at your life. And the number of 18-20 year olds that you have made out with in the last 6 months... and then keep doing whatever the fuck you want.
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
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