i'm pretty confident that i watched a woman making love to a german shepherd.
i always forget guys have bellybuttons
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
Felt like shit, jerked off, felt ten times better. Being a guy rules. It's like I got all the demons out in 5 minutes.
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
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