How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
we were playing waterfall, then strip waterfall, then we were just listening to music, drinking, and slowly becoming more naked
I was less embarrassed asking him to torrent the teen mom's porn. I'm not gonna ask him to about season 4 of PLL.
I just want to make out with him forever
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
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