There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
You need to finger her with the Spock hand sign since she loves Star Trek.
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
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