Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
There is somethin about your sexuality that makes my dick do jumping jacks when I see you
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
But besides the pee thing, he sounds like a nice guy.
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
First morning at school this semester and I threw up in a bush during my walk of shame.
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
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