My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
why is there a picture of someone wearing Tevas with socks taped on the wall?
there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
She has more profile pics than tagged pics. narcissism at its best.
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
Leaving your birthday party to engage in a threesome IS allowed. I checked the rule book.
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
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