His facebook says he is a fan of "underwater handjobs"
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
dude, seriously he just sucked the milk out of the dogs breast and swallowed it... for $20, wtf....?
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
the beer staff turned into a beer spear way to quickly
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
i'm sad to say... seems like women around here set up their armageddon booty calls ahead of time. wanna fill all these condoms with tequila and head downtown???
Well i think matt shit his pants so ill mark that as a W
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
Randomize
