The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
Btw I did not technically have a dick in me but I was naked in bed with a man during the last finals game so that is why the Warriors won
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
Randomize
