My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
Nothing ended up happening last night because he couldn't get my overalls or fanny pack off. I woke up this morning with one strap over my overall shorts on, my fanny pack wrapped around my chest, and the baby doll still tied to my hand. Ugh white trash parties!
All semester I have been trying to figure out if this kid in front of me is gay. His cell phone just went off with Britney's "Circus". Case closed.
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
How do I respond to this?! It's not easy to say "you're hot & the sex was good, but outside the bedroom you scare me"
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
Randomize
