Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
screw jello shots the kids from the culinary school made pudding shots with 4 loko.
We did it in the bathroom in Taco Bell. We didn't buy anything before we left, which I thought was rude.
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
Randomize
