I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
Coffee is gods way of saying go ahead, get absolutly trashed on weeknights, I got your back
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
Thank you for not boning my boss.
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
He has a bear rug in his room. I'm going to ask if we can have sex on it. Wilderness sex.
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
Randomize
