I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
I know. It was just so disappointing. I almost made it. And now the "when's the last time you peed your pants" clock has restarted. Lol
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
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