Are you going to tell your therapist we boned?
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
it's not gay if you rub your penis between their butt cheeks and pretend they are tits
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
He kept saying "this is a bad idea" wasn't in his vocabulary. He left at 2 came back at 6 eating frozen waffles and he had a symbol, a moped mirror, and a new MacBook. I'd say he had a good time
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
Randomize
