it sounds like her vocal chords are covered in pudding and rocks. come get me.
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
Dude, she knew her leg was on fire and she kept dancing. Bad-fucking-ass.
amateur piercings on our way to the beach? check.
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
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