It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
he had to fake a sneeze attack to hide the fact he came in 15 seconds?!
so its atleast an 8 for creativity.
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
Nothing like hearing a USA chant while getting head. God bless America.
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
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