How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
The party got hot, we all started raging, took off some clothes, someone threw me in the shower and we all kept raging. Nude Rager, I was there at the point of conception.
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
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