don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
I wonder if those guys know that i know that is a halfway house and dont just think it is some cool older guy frat house.
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
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