there's paper in my vomit.
I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
Is drinking merlot and watching womens figure skating by myself gay?
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
In fact, not a good idea to go into any house alone after a man invites you in from his balcony.
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
Don't be alarmed when we finally get naked and I let out a WOOHOO!!!
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
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