You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
Even the bar was yelling boobs, so of course the shirt came off
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
I guess we coulda said a little less mature audience and a little more e for everyone.
Randomize
