Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
it's graduation. he's gonna get congratulations slash emotional i cant believe youre leaving me sex.
Got into Princeton. So excited about the mommy-issue-over-achieving-cock I get to ride the next 4 years!!!
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
some people waaaaait a lifetime for a hookuppp like this some people seeeearch forever for that one special handjobbb
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
i just woke up on the desk in his dorm with him snoring in my vagina. better than last week waking up to a different guy puking on my bare ass i guess.
Randomize
