she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
drunk making out is the fucking beeeest. specially when it's your exboyfriend
I wonder if you'll be as excited about this as you are now tomorrow morning.
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
I had fun. Till he melissa etheridged my ass and came to my window.
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
Are you still goin to the xmas party?
Yaaaa why?
Jus making sure i will have nice people i know to put a blanket over me when i pass out in the field .
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
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