he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
he seriously made his penis a facebook.
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
It's pitch dark except for the glow sticks, someone turned the heat up as high as it would go and the bathroom is flooded. Also think I just stepped on someone's face.
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
I'm confused as to why I have a picture of your boobs in response to a photo of my father
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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