I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
y-o-u-r-e = you are, y-o-u-r = your. you are a bag of douche not your bag of douche. if you're going to insult me at least do it in proper english. that is all.
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
i was enjoying my post acid trip trance a little too much. i found $50 on the sidewalk but didnt pick it up. just stared at the bill cuz it looked cool.
someone picked it up and i stared at the ground where it was for probably another minute or 2
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
Randomize
