he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
