there's paper in my vomit.
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
Although I am concerned about who made the decision to let you loose in a bridal show I am proud to see you in a sombero again.
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
We shouldn't eat pizza in the pool
We r drinking tequila out a glass bottle and smoking weed underwater, pizzas the least of our concern
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
is it weird that our first time having sex was makeup sex?
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
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