i can't believe i never thought of this: farticle man
its easy. just sleep with a bunch of guys until one falls in love
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
I'm going to pound you from behind over a table at the bar while I pull your hair and call you a whore...please pass along that message to Rob
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
Basically, I'm sure one day I'll look back on this part of my life and be ashamed....
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
Randomize
