your parents love me but you hate me
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
i just got yelled at for having sex. this sorority thing is worst than being at home. at least at home they think im still a virgin
As a matter of fact you told me i fulfilled your "woodshop teacher fantasy"
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
ROB LOWE. SO BEAUTIFUL. SO DOUCHEY. SO HARD TO SPELL HIS NAME WHEN DRUNK.
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
