I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
Kinda wish I banged him. I need the exercise.
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
New drinking game idea: Take a shot for every republican you see on facebook bitching about the ruling.
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
Randomize
