found the other keg... it's in the tree
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
All I know is that I woke up with my pajamas on inside out in front of a bowl of watered down kd. Sitting up. I didn't even make it to bed.
Did your surprise acid trip turn out well?
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
Randomize
