I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
Randomize
