I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
Is it possible for mice to climb? If so I think mice are climbing into my bed in the night and playing with my hair..
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
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