You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
It's not a good hook up if during you're thinking "how will this damage me psychologically"
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
First highlight of the semester: campus safety caught me peeing in the dirt parking lot by kappa. Then as they were about to write me up, they recognized me, laughed, and left.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
Randomize
