even my farts smell like vagina
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
kinda considering buying a life alert for sophmore year
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
well at that point we were just fucking to keep warm.
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
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