Trying to find something to do here is like trying to find a vegan resturant in alabama.
i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
i just uploaded pictures of my nephew, and you & d puking in the same toilet. i think i should keep them in the same album. show my nephew what he has to look forward to.
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
I just paid my school fees like a real adult who doesn't get accidentally drunk on a Tuesday night
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