just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
I am at the point in my high where i now know/understand chinese.
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
We fucked so hard that when I orgasmed I tore his towel rack off the wall. He was more impressed than mad.
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
Randomize
