ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
took shots out of a medicine cup. i can get used to college.
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
Nuts. Absolutely nuts. she just screamed in my face something about not knowing whats happening and then got tackled by a dude
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
Randomize
